International Pancake Dissapointment Day

I hate Pancake Day. It’s the one day of the year, you spend thinking you’re the absolute boss of culinary perfection, then 15 seconds later, you realise you’re even more of an idiot than you were last year. 

Most years, it’s the flip that catches me out; too much wrist, not enough flip, not enough wrist, too much flip, etc. This year however, I experienced a different sort of desert-based disappointment...

As the pancake descended, I saw, mid-flip, that the top of the pancake was moving slightly, with the creeping jiggle of under-cooked pancake. I began to cry out in desperation, when it made friends with the pan once again, and it’s par-backed innards hurtled out like the organs of exploding cattle, hitting the kitchen cabinets, the ceiling, and inevitably, my face.

Pancakes 17 : 0 Me

Grow Up? Maybe tomorrow...

I've gotten to the point recently, when you can rest assured, I’ll log onto facebook in the morning and there'll be a hand full of statuses about last night's drunken antics and this morning's hangover. To be honest, I’d rather miss out on all of that, and just carry on watching teenage ninja mutant turtles in my pillow fort until I run out of colouring crayons. 

I mean, I’ll rock my socks out every couple of weeks, but every weekend? Friday through to Sunday?! Surely your insides would start to resemble a Smurf bludgeoned to death by a morbidly obese teletubby with a meat cleaver. Or a wooden mallet...

The finer details aside, I don't think it's for me. I mean, the occasional intoxicated party, followed by waking up to a hundred graphic frapes and finding someone's covered your living room wall with cut-outs of explicit magazines, that's fine. But every week? I'll stick with my colouring book for now thanks.

I'm Just A Guy Trying To Knit...

So yeah, I'm one of those weird people under the age of 50, that genuinely enjoys knitting. I don't quite understand why myself, but I'd probably put it down to having way too much spare time...

It was brought to my attention this morning, however, that I actually hold my breath for a really really really long time while I'm knitting, sometimes going for minutes without making any more than the odd gasp for oxygen.

My mother has told me that I either give up knitting, or go see a doctor. Then again, my dad keeps saying that, but that's just because I started knitting...

Unnappreciated Genius

At the moment there are builders making us a new kitchen, as ours is about 20 years old now, it could do with a make-over.

So as the builders are busying about, cutting up this, drilling out that, and other manly-man thing, I have the rest of the day off school. My dad shouted me to go and make them some tea and coffee, so off I went.

I came back later with a pot of tea, some coffee, and a plate of biscuits. Arranged in the shape of a Union Jack, from pink cakes, jammie dodgers, and friuty biscuits. This artistic display of edible brilliance was not greeted with a warm welcome though and they quickly rearranged them into a more messy affair, destroying the perfectly placed sponge and dodger wonder.

Needless to say I won't be wasting my talents on them any longer. I'll stick to giving the interior designers food. They admire my skills.

Just Order Some God Damn Tea.

Long time, no blog, eh? Well I'm back for round two! It's now the second year of an Average Teengaer, and there's plenty to talk about.


This month, for example, I've started a new job. I'm now a waiter in a little 1940's themed tea room, a job I enjoy enormously. Some of the people we get in the shop are just pure gold.

Yesterday we had an old Ldy and her even-more aged husband, who obviously both had difficulty hearing, as their conversations were rather loud and they could still hardly understand what each other were saying.

At one point they were talking, or rather shouting, this:

Wife: "Dave"
Husband: "Gay!"
Wife: "Dave?!"
Husband: "Gay!!"
Wife: "Dave?!?!"
Husband" NO! GAY!!"
Wife: "Oh, for a minute there I thought you were saying Dave"
Husband: "Dave?"
Wife: "Gay?!"
Husband: "Dave?!?"

Thank god I gave them scones quickly. Anything to stop them shouting across the shop...

Laptops Are Addicted To Failing

I used to work on a PC, like all of the cool kids, but after years of hard interweb surfing, it finally gave up and died. It was at this point in my life I made the same bad decision as many. I switched to a Laptop.

Ok, Laptops are very portable, and give you a lot of power for their size, I can see their appeal even now.

You must realise though, that all computers age, but Laptops age like chain-smoking, binge-drinking heroin addicts. It's not long before you try to pull up internet explorer and it starts vomiting out error messages while it staggers around the room telling you you're adopted.

I think it's safe to say, I'm putting my laptop on my hate list.

Invasion Of The Cat Kind

Last night I woke up to the sound of Cat... I thought it was someone's ringtone or alarm clock or something, until I remembered that my brother, from whose room the sound was coming from, had such a crappy phone, it was neither capable nor cool enough to have a cat ring tone...

So I jumped up realising there was a cat in the house. Me being a little allergic, I was all ready with a broom to usher the perpetrator out of my home, but I find my brother feeding the feline fiend.

Noticing it's lack of collar, my instant assumption is that he's brought in a stray from the streets and is now harbouring it in his bedroom. My assumptions were half correct... He is keeping him in the house, however it's not harbouring if my parents have already consented to it.

I am not happy.

This. Is. War.

Holiday Time

Apologies for the lack of posting recently, but this average teenager has gone on some travels and is having a break from the world of cyberspace. This is partially to  rejuvinate that neglected little thing called a social life, and also because it's hard to find somewhere to go on the computer most of the time.

Hope you're all having a great summer,

          Average Teenager

Durability Testing

Today I was in town with a friend, when we decided to go into Jack Wills. For those that don't know, JW's is as expensive as a good hundred pounds of venison wrapped in a gold leaf blanket.

Upon walking into this shop, you see decoration ranging from a crystal chandelier, to a 6ft union jack made out of different coloured shot glasses. When we went upstairs, however, we decided to take a closer look at this bathtub filled with big plastic looking clear baubley shapes.

Me and my friend then started questioning what they were made out of, before he finally decided. "I'm pretty sure it's plastic" he said, dropping the bauble back into the bath. I then see the bauble fall onto the other faux bubbles, as they shatter into thousands of little pieces...

He told me off for whistling as we walked hastily out of the shop.

I agreed with him... It did make us look more suspicious....

Awkward Awkwardness

So my friend had had a little upset with his girlfriend the other night, but by this morning it was all sorted out. I though i would try to lighten the mood a little and chat to her on facebook chat. I clicked on the little picture of her and her friend and up popped the chat box. However it went something like this...

Me: "don't you ever go breaking his heart again, kay?"

Friend: "Wasn't me.."

Me: "Or i'm gonna have to be super mean to you and steal your barbies.... >:[ "

Friend: " I didn't break his heart."

Me: "And dont you ever do so, kay? Even if you haven't yet"

Friend: "Why are you saying this to me? I have never hurt Toby and I never will."

Don't you just hate it when you start having an argument with someone, then realise it's completely the wrong person?.... I know I do...

Internal Screams Of The Non-Bad Kind

Today I was lay on the field, in what little sunshine could break through the clouds, just chilling out with some of my friends. Then all of a sudden, I felt this vibrating in my stomach, which then turned into the sort of sensation you'd expect from a ghost trying fondle your insides through your tummy.

Naturally this surprised me, and I burst out with a scream, look down to find one of my friends with her head on my belly, and she's humming really loudly into it. I would like to deeply thank Maz, for making me look like a crazy person, screaming at the top of my lungs for no apparent reason...

A Days Doodling

Go over to the Doodle page to see some of the drawings I've whacked out today and keep your eyes peeled over the next few days for more...

The Ultimate Word Of The Day!

So the votes are in, the polls have been counted. Winning, with 36% of the votes, was the word.... *drum roll*

MYOCARDIAL INFARCTION!

Wait! Wait!! Hold on a minute... Isn't that two words, I hear you cry? Well... Yes. But they are two damn fine words, so this time round I'm gonna let it slip. But well done to the awesome person who asked for this awesome word (/words) to be the word of the day!

Alternative Name Syndrome

It's spring again, in my books anyway... The sun is out, the birds are chirping and the neighbouring dogs are howling until we threaten to transform them into a korean delicacy.

It's also the time of year for meeting new people too. However, it would seem my name, quite a plain one I admit, is quite hard to remember, so I've been given a variety of identities recently. Just to mention a few, Joe, Damien, Tom, Jack and of course, Billy.

I'm rather enjoying being a different person each day though, it must be said. I feel like I can get away with things I wouldn't normally do, like putting a fez on the top of a strangers car, or giving a random person in the street a mini muffin with a birthday candle. Oh the wonders of being anonymous...

This next week, though, I'll attempt to blog about some of the weird people I've met over the past year or few. If you think I describe you... Well... Just maybe don't talk to me any more? Much obliged.

Feline Antics

Tonight my mother and I were sat on the sofa watching a bit of television, when an advert came on depicting a man shaking cat crunchies and the cat bursting through the wall, just to get one of the kitty noms. My mum, unphased by this, says "Martin (our old cat) would have done that..."

I turn to her in a look of disbelief, the cat of course couldn't have actually done it, it had to be television wizardry. She then continued to tell me about how the Martin, when he was no more than a little kitten, would hide behind the hedge, run up and burst through the hedge, jumping out at whichever poor mutt happened to be walking past.

I never really knew this cat as I was too young to know it, but I thoroughly consent to it being part of my family.

 

 p.s. I don't draw animals, okay? it turns out they're a lot harder than stick-men...

Playground Promiscuity

Today we were playing Lacrosse on the school in PE (like the cool kids we are), divided into two teams, the girls and the boys. Now you would think if anyone was going to be a bit obscene suring the game it was going to be the lads right?

Wrong.

 I was going after the ball trying to catch it after a bad throw from the girls team, when one of the girls jumps in my way shouting "FUCK OFF" and intercepts the ball while I'm standing there, shocked at what just happened...

Although the true pinnacle of their crudeness occurred when they said possibly one of the most innocent things at all... Girl #1 is stuck with nobody to pass to near her, when Girl #2 comes running behind her to give her some help, and in doing so notifies her with the words "I'M COMING UP YOUR REAR!"

I'm not sure whether these words were more of a worry than a relief to Girl #1...

Careers, Universities and Fish

Today we had some speakers for the organisation "Aim Higher" come into our class to give us a talk about opportunities in further education.

The first activity they gave us was a list of possible courses that could be taken at degree level, such as Golf Course Management and Peace Politics, but the list had a few red herrings in there too. These false friends included made up courses like Orange Peeling Studies and things...

The one that made us laugh however, was "Fish Stress and Gaelic" which is of course a fake course. The girl sat next to me was astonished that anyone would come up with such a thought. So one of the speakers says, "but it could exist" To which my friend replied, with no pun intended, "Fish stress? Fish don't get stressed! They're just swimming around, having a WHALE of a time".

Perhaps what made this even fractionally humorous was the fact that, even for several seconds afterwards, she couldn't work out what she'd just said that was funny...

More Inanimate Objects Are Beginning To Hate Me

It turns out my computer's been so lonely it's decided to start posting on this blog without me. I mean, normally people would appreciate me not saying anything, but the annoyance of a blank post caused someone to mention it to me.

So i'm just making a quick post to say, HA. TAKE THAT, BLANK-POST HATERS!

I've decided to leave that blank post, just to spite people that hate inconsista.... ok, it's starting to annoy me too now.

*deletes post*

Hope everyone had a great Christmas and good luck for the new year (unless you're chinese, you guys have to wait a few months first).

Best wishes and things,
     An Average Teenager

Bless His Cotton Hand-Socks

Winters coming around a hell of a lot faster than I'd like, and, inevitably, so is the cold weather...

Me and my friends were stood around waiting for school to begin the other day, when one of them complained that their hands were cold. My friend then turns round, and out of his mouth come the words, "Wouldn't it be good if they made socks, but ones that go on your hands to keep them warm?"

I turn around, and seeing that he's actually being serious, pat him on the shoulder and say, "I think someone might have already invented them... They're called gloves..."

Sowing Machine Fever

My brother has been driving me crazy with his annoying music, so I decided to retaliate yesterday. I went to go and see some relatives and got their sowing machine. Now all he can hear is the constant drone of the beasty thing, over the top of his music. Problem solved.

However, it turns out I'm really enjoying this box of tricks at the moment. I've used it on my art work, on christmas presents and now some of my clothes too. It's a wonder I haven't stitched my brother's mouth up yet, as he's now complaining non-stop about the noise.